


The Adventures of Off-brand Aziraphale and Off-brand Crowley

by NotASpaceAlien



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Gen, Short, Silly, This made me really uncomfortable please don't read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 17:35:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6619915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotASpaceAlien/pseuds/NotASpaceAlien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a demon named Crawleigh who drives a cool car (a Citroen 2CV).  He is ineffectual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Adventures of Off-brand Aziraphale and Off-brand Crowley

**Author's Note:**

> On tumblr at http://not-a-space-alien.tumblr.com/post/127442898995/the-adventures-of-off-brand-crowley-and-off-brand
> 
> Please follow the above link or go [here](http://not-a-space-alien.tumblr.com/post/127020381895/fun-fact-in-neil-gaimans-first-draft-of-good) for an explanation of this fic if you'd like one

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Crawleigh (An angel who did not so much fall as trip and bang his head)

Azrafael (Angle and part-time record dealer)

Some pigeons (A type of dove)

Azrafael was an angle,* but he had an ear for human music.  He owned a store that specialized in old records.

* * *

*Ninety degrees.  A square, in fact.

* * *

He didn’t dance, of course, although he _had_ taught himself how to do the  rigaudon in the 17th century, even though such a dance went more smoothly with a partner and few** were available that could fit on the head of a pin.

* * *

**Few, but not none, as the next sentence will show.

* * *

There was a squealing sound outside; Azrafael looked up and saw Crawleigh’s car pulling up out front of his shop.  The black Citroen 2CV was wedged neatly between two cars that had previously been too close together to admit a third party.

The bell on the door clanged loudly as the demon entered the shop.  Azrafael waved to him as he handed the current customer their purchases.  He hated to part with his inventory, but there wasn’t anything to be done, really.  He couldn’t very well go out of his way to _discourage_ people from buying from him, could he?

“Hello, angel,” said Crawleigh.  


“Hello, friend,” said Azrafael.  


“Honestly, what are you wearing?” moaned the demon, eyeing the shirt his companion was wearing.  


Azrafael adjusted the hem of his sleeves.  “Paisley is stylish.”

Crawleigh held up a loaf of bread. 

“Ah, I had almost forgotten we had made plans to go to Hyde Park!” the angle said.  “Let me just close up the shop.”  


He did so, and the two person-shaped entities drove there presently, where they had a relaxing afternoon feeding the pigeons in the park.  Afterwards, they indulged their usual sense of earthly pleasures by sitting in the back of Azrafael’s shop with a great quantity of a particular plant that produced particular effects on a human mind when consumed.

“The point is…” said Crawleigh, his sideways, goat-like pupils blown wide as he stared at his own hands.  “The point I’m trying to make is…”  He focused on Azrafael.  “The point is…elephants!”  


Azrafael squinted at him.  “’slike a while.  Whale.”

“No, no, no.  But.  Their brains.  Smart.”

Azrafael’s voice was muffled as his head rested against the table.  “How’woud you know?”  


“I saw it on the telly.”  Crawleigh sometimes watched nature documentaries.  It was where he had gotten the idea to raise his tropical fish.  He threatened to flush them down the toilet when they misbehaved, but he wasn’t quite sure how well it was working.***  


* * *

***Surprisingly, fish can manage to be even more inanimate than plants.

* * *

“I can’t deal with this while high,” said Azrafael.  


They parted ways shortly afterwards, whereupon Azrafael made his way back to his shop and Crawleigh got an assignment to go meet two Counts of Hell and transport a swaddle to a nearby hospital, where it would grow into a human boy named William.

**Author's Note:**

> My pal milkythefrozen made a drawing for this! :) You can see it here http://not-a-space-alien.tumblr.com/post/143629187950/milkythefrozen-i-cant-believe-i-actually-drew


End file.
